By RAMita Taneja
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It was the final year of the college, organizing the annual fest was the responsibility of the 7 member cultural team which was headed by me. A well known band was invited to make this year extra special.
We were expecting a lot of gate crashers and non pass holders to enter and thus I being the one with a body well toned at gym took the responsibility of entry of guests. It felt nice and powerful not just because of the responsibility but also because I was in a position to reject entry to even my seniors.
I was doing great with regard to my discipline until I saw her. She moved like a cold breeze full of aroma of thousand lavender, the tight dress emphasizing every curve of her body, her hair flew in the slow breeze. Even before she approached the gate, I had already decided to let her as I had somehow sensed that that she had no entry pass.
She seemed giving me some excuse but all I could see were her lips moving delicately. She sensed my immediate attraction.
Once inside the auditorium, I made arrangements for her to have the best possible seat. Throughout the evening my eyes followed her, locking with her on various occasions.
Mobile numbers were exchanged and our evening was spent exchanging the messages rather than listening to the band, this seemed far more enjoyable to me or rather us.
We sat awake in our respective beds till wee hours of the morning chatting and finally when we sent the “good night” message, adjectives like dear and beautiful were already added to our vocabulary.
We began meeting everyday. Our status on social media changed to “committed”., announcing the partner in our lives. Within no time we added each other to our social and family circles. Life was beautiful with her around. Dreams of future had begun to spun. Our candy floss love story made the present livable and future beautiful making us forget of the careers and life we were yet to make to live the dream future.
I was aspiring to be a lawyer while she was planning a career in journalism, both extremely demanding choices.
To get over the heart ache of leaving each other every night, we moved in together. She was so cutely disorganized and I pampered her rotten by doing all
her tasks. Our fun love games of finding the “hidden treasure”, often landed us embraced in each others arms. Finding her flip flops under the cover of her duet which was always unkept felt very inviting or looking for her soiled Id-card in the mess of the room made us laugh together.
But this seemed short lived.
With our final exams approaching, we got busy in our selves and she got more affected as I did not have much time to do her chores too after I finished mine.
Finally the exams got over and we both went to meet our parents in our respective towns. Though on the face of it, I pretended to feel bad about parting but deep inside there was a feeling of relief.
I enjoyed my holidays with family. My friends were also home for holidays and it was encouraging as well as scary to learn about their aspirations. It seemed they were far more sorted than me and knew exactly how and when. I felt I was lagging behind it terms of my passion towards secured future. I made a silent promise to myself.
The holidays though extremely short but were rejuvenating.
Surprisingly I did not miss her in all these days and didn’t keep in touch much but was looking forward to go back and exchange notes and talk about the new avataar of me.
I reached the shared accommodation where she had reached the previous morning. As as key in the lock turned left, I felt a pang of discomfort. I shuddered at the thought of entering a place which now was always unkept and shabby. She was the most disorganized person I had ever met. The fun of looking for her lip balm under the heaps of clothes lying on the sofa now irritated me. The last night left over pizza sides next to her bed made me nauseas.
The visible seepage patches on the wall of our relationship had finally become un bearing. It was getting suffocating. We tried to repair the wall, She tried harder but her persistence made us break into ugly fights. Her defense weapon were her wet eyes and tears rolling down her cheeks which everytime made me surrender.
My frustration took to peak and so did her threats. This relationship was now choking me and making my professional struggles even tougher.
I decided to break free
My decision was firm
No level of threats would stop me
While I packed my bags, I rehearsed and re rehearsed the lines in my mind, calming myself to not lose temper. As she saw me packing, all hell broke and once again the battery of threats began. This time I stood as if I had turned into a stone. She picked up a paper cutter and constantly reminded me that I was the culprit and finally she cut herself.
Two drops of blood came out of the thumb where she made the cut and she herself felt so nauseated and fell on the bed. All that was needed was a band-aid and zillion of promises of never leaving her. I was now confused if she actually ever meant those threats.
I cannot live , I cannot leave
I am scared of life… my life
Not hers
For abetment to suicide
